Newly Single, Hesitant to Mingle

Confession:

I am newly single.

However, since it's been a while since I've been on the market, I have to admit: I feel sorry for humans. I mean damn, the things that I've had to put up with? It's like really? "Do you even interact with humans to understand that what you are doing is soooooo wrong?" The worst hasn't even happened to me... some of the stories I hear.... deeeaarrr llloooorrddd......

Since going through my life altering break-up, I've been stalked on Facebook, met what seemed like a nice guy only to be dissed and of course more confused than ever.

My more memorable story: "Socially Unacceptable Returned Missionary"

Before getting into the story, I must first provide some background. In the LDS religion, it is common for a 19 year old boy to go out and serve their church by becoming a missionary. Usually they are shipped out to a foreign country (sometimes they stay in the States) and have to pick up a completely different language in about three months in order to communicate with the people. Seems legit right? The problem is that during that time, they are very restricted. No popular music, no hanging out except on rest days, and especially NO GIRLS! They learn to do this for 2 years.

Well, when they get back, they forget how to interact with humans without having to work in a lesson about the LDS church. Also, (from what I understand, although I may be wrong) upon returning, they are told that they must now find a wife. After two years of not even daring to look at a girl, who could blame them? I must add that one of the LDS beliefs is that family is extremely important.

This is the part that gets crazy. I had an RM get in contact with me. I know he was because there were pictures on his FB profile from his mission. Now, some Returned Missionaries, simply RM's, are wwaaayyyy tooo eager to find that one person. Now I'm not saying that RM's are psycho when they get back, I'm just saying that some come on a little strong.

Now for my personal story, and of course it involves friggin Facebook!

I get a random message from someone that I don't even know: 

No joke, this was the first message. WE HAVE NEVER MET!

Friggin weird right? I answered to be nice. BIG MISTAKE! Soon it turned into what's below. Keep in mind that there are no messages from me in between.

DAFAQ!

Yeah I blocked him soon after that....

Soon after that he started contacting my best friend and doing the same to her! Weeks later I come to find out that he has done this to several girls on Facebook and that most of the time he's lying about who he has in common with, with girl he's contacting. Really dude??? Not only are you super creepy by telling me about your day when I didn't even ask, but you try impress me with a lie? Word of advice: stop trying to meet people on FB. They're probably really scary.

#rantmode

Annoyed. Very annoyed. Why? Why do boys make plans and three seconds later, cancel? What benefit could they possibly derive from planning something out only offer up some bulls*** excuse, or maybe DITCH altogether.  Am I wearing a sign that says "PLEASE lead me on and then make me feel like an idiot when I get my hopes up?" Hell I must be since it's happened three times in the last two weeks.

Example #1:

Diagnosis: Chronic Douchebag Amnesia

Who does this seriously? Did you suddenly forget that you had other things to do? Why even make plans if you already had other things going on? And it will interest you guys to know that he offered up no other excuse. In other words, what you see ^^^^ is all I got.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Example #2:

"Joe": So uh, we should meet up tonight and hang out.

Me and Friend: Alright that sounds good.

"Joe": Alright then just text me or something.

Me: Nah, nah, nah. You text US.

"Joe": God, I don't want you guys to think I'm flake...

Later that day: *No text*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Example #3: (same day as #2)

???

An hour later and (you guessed it) no call. While I must admit that it wasn't as effed up as the first example, it still sucked.

My point is: don't make plans you don't intend to keep. Its offensive and frankly, classless. I mean the least these boys could have done is offer up a reason why they did what they did. But no, apparently I'm worth the energy to make plans with but not worthy enough to apologize when something comes up. I'm not saying that these ^^^ males didn't have a legit excuse to cancel, I'm saying at least have enough decency to excuse yourself. Or better yet ACTUALLY CALL, don't just leave women hanging. Learn some manners.

♥ Remember ♥

You are a beautiful woman. You deserve the best; you deserve to find true love. Just don't forget:

1. Don't chase anyone, you're not a dog.

2. Don't violate your morals for someone else.

3. Define your boundaries.

4. Don't invest more in a person than they invest in you.

5. "I'm busy" is just an excuse. If someone wants to spend time with you, they will MAKE TIME.

6. Keep your guard up, especially at first.

7. Don't over-analyze.

8. If they keep you guessing, then you should keep it moving.

9. You invite the same level of respect that you give yourself.

10. Don't internalize. It's not you, or them. It's the combination of you and them. You can't FORCE anyone to feel anything...

A Guide to Press-Ons

Who Needs a Nail Salon When You Can DIY!

And they were only $6

Have you even sat next to someone in class (or work, wherever), only to notice that the girl next to you has godly nails? And then you sheepishly do everything in your power to hide your chipped nail polished nails. If you haven't had this happen to you, then you probably don't know how self conscious you can become over something so small.

And then you think, "well dammit, I don't have money to get a new nail set AND fill it in every TWO weeks!" No worries, you don't have to. The answer lies in Wal-Mart's makeup aisle: press-ons! Thanks to cheapskates like me that look for ways to look good for cheap (isn't that every woman's dream).

At this point you might think, "well yeah I knew about press-ons but do they even last? Will they even look good?"

I'm here to teach you how to apply this cheap little alternative to salon solution.

Step 1: Prep!

Make sure you have nail clippers, nail file (soft grit), nail kit and towel. The nail kit should include glue, cuticle stick, and nails (obviously). Sometimes the file will also be included.

Now that you have all tools, use 'em!

1. Wash hands. This may seems random but you want to get all the oils and residue off your nails so that the glue sticks better.

2. Push back cuticles with cuticle stick.

3. Find your fit BEFORE gluing. Most nails have a numbering system that allows you to choose the right size (found under the nail tip). The biggest size will be a "0" and the smallest is usually an "8." Some kits also include half sizes where the half size is SMALLER than the whole. For example, a 5 is BIGGER than a 5.5. When in doubt, choose a size that is slightly bigger and file it down to the shape of your nail.

4. ***MOST IMPORTANT*** Scuff nails! This creates abrasion for the glue to to stick onto (By the way, this works with anything you need to glue back together). This part is a little messy, so you'll want to wipe off all residue as you do this.

STEP 2: Glue!

Now that you have the right sizes and prepared nails, you're ready to glue. I use a simple technique to minimize air bubbles under the nails (this is what makes press-ons look bad).

1. Place a drop on the plastic nail and spread it, but not all the way to edges.


2. When placing the plastic nails on yours, start by pushing the edge up against your cuticle, then lay the plastic nail down.


3. Hold for about 30 seconds


***Don't be afraid to have a little glue go outside the edges. Once it dries it falls off.***


STEP 3: Finish!


Wash your hands. At this point, I like to use a sugar scrub and my favorite lotion.


After washing, paint a coat of clear to protect the pattern on the nail. This will make them look fresh every day.


Maintenance and Tips:


File your nails to the shape that you prefer. I personally like squaring them off (shown in the picture above). I'll also shape them about every three days to keep them square.


Also, if the nails are too long, file the bottom part (the end without the design). That way you don't ruin the design.


Hope this helps!